I’m Scared. And Confused. And Distrustful.

I don’t know what to do next on this health journey.

Food addiction is real. And I’m currently not making any headway on breaking mine.

I don’t have what people would normally call an “eating disorder.” But what I’m learning is that most of us truly do have a food addiction. And we can’t help it. In the name of capitalism, our whole food system in the US is stacked against us, from addictive substances being added to packaged foods en masse, to the horrors of massive slaughter houses, to fresh produce being the most costly purchase in a grocery store.

It’s a sad, sorry state of affairs. And my belly pays the price. (Not to mention my self-worth and overall physical health.)

I’ve lost 15 pounds in the last few months, and I still have fifty more to go to put me at a healthy 117 lb weight for a 5’2 woman.

I broke my addiction to wine and vodka (and spiced rum and cinnamon scnapps and buttershots and … the list goes on), so I know I can break this food addiction. It’s just proving very challenging at the moment.

I recently completed a 5-day fast. It wasn’t a pure water fast, but I did well and felt great. Shortly thereafter, I attempted a 6-day fast but broke it on day 4. I cataloged my learnings and decided I would eat a keto diet and do intermittent fasting. But that hasn’t panned out either. I have not conquered my addictions to 3 squares a day plus snacks. My meals are decently healthy, my snacks and the treats I rarely account for…not so much.

An epiphany struck not too long ago about the ties between my mental health struggles and my nutrition. Meaning, I now believe that sugar and processed food have enabled if not caused my depression and drastic mood swings over the years. It’s only been in the last decade that my weight went upwards of 140 pounds, but on my small frame that was more than enough to have a hugely negative impact. I was constantly seeking happiness and stability. I didn’t have a grounding spirituality and I wasn’t following my dreams of becoming a writer. Even at lower weights, I never felt good about myself or the way my body looked. Realizing how much suffering may have been in part caused by wheat or sugar or whatever makes me pretty darn pissed-off.

Last fall, I had a miscarriage and though we’ve not been actively trying to get pregnant again, I believe that fasting will help improve my health enough that we could get pregnant (and deliver a healthy baby) if we so choose. He’s 46 and I’m 42, and we already have a child together and four other children from his previous marriage. I’m not dying to have another baby, but if it happens, it would be wonderful. Even at mid-life, optimum health is totally possible and so is another healthy pregnancy. 100,000 women age 40-45 deliver babies every year.

Nourishing Traditions BabyI believe in the science touted by the Weston A. Price Foundation and the Nourishing Traditions Book of Baby and Child Care, which lays out a very prescriptive nutrient-dense diet for conception and healthy pregnancies. I’m talking cod-liver oil, plenty of grass-fed dairy, organ meat, etc. But what I don’t know is if I should be following that diet or fasting or making up my own experimental combination of the two.

Having the means to research and read in-depth is such an awesome benefit of this information age, but it’s also overwhelming and I don’t know who to trust anymore. I don’t completely trust mainstream doctors, and as far as nutrition, we hear about vegan babies dying and yet Sally Fallon, the author of the Nourishing Traditions, book is overweight. Certainly women in ancient times fasted out of forced necessity even while pregnant, but infant mortality rates are the key reasons our age expectancy has increased so much in the last 5,000 years.

There’s so much contradiction. There’s so much money exchanging hands in Big Food, Big Pharma and Big Diet. (I just made that last one up…but seriously!)

What’s an educated woman to do?

I guess the first step is to put a stake in the ground. Start by starting. I trust my inner guidance system–my connection to the divine–more than anything else in the world. I need to go inward.  I need to be honest that I’m scared about getting it wrong and about failing.

But I need to ask the important questions. And soon.

Then and only then can I make a plan.

What works for you?


Author: Angle Full of Grace

A writer, woods-wanderer, and internal peace seeker who raises two free-range children in the wilderness, I escaped the wasteland of corporate America a few years back never to return. I write about love, family, mental health, addiction, parenthood and personal growth all through lens of place and connection to the land. Most entries are my weekly column for our local small-town newspaper, and there's an occasional feature story thrown in the mix as well.

9 thoughts on “I’m Scared. And Confused. And Distrustful.”

  1. I agree with you on the role of Big Food, Big Pharma and the diet industry. I think it was Brene Brown who said that if women could look into the mirror without self-loathing but instead with self-love, and think “omg, awesome” several major industries (cosmetics, diet, fashion) would lose billions of dollars. There are reasons industries perpetuate perfection and try to make us feel inadequate. Sounds like you are taking some great steps to combat those influences.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is a beautifully written article. 🙂

    Food in its pure, whole state is good for you. Water water water. Fluctuations happen for a variety for reasons, and my naturopath doctor helped me learn to listen to my body and make modest changes to improve health. I cheat, often, but fall back on track without too much fuss. The trick is to listen to the body.

    Age 40+ is all about hormonal changes, and it’s brutal at times. I let my weaknesses get a hold of me sometimes. When that happens, I’ll have wine, or carbs, or chocolate, knowing it won’t be a long term thing. For example, right now, I couldn’t care less about all the Easter chocolate in my house, but I know a time will come when I will eat more than I should.

    It’s tough, but balancing it out helps. So does blogging about it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thx so much for the encouragement and inspiration. Listening to my body doesn’t come easy yet, but slowly I am making good changes. Isn’t that the truth about blogging/writing?! Such good therapy. Thanks again for stopping by.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Just a tip to see if this could help. It worked for me for a while. I told myself: “There will always be XYZ in my world so I don’t have to eat it now, I can have it another time. For now, I will pass.” Then I would get busy with something else. Knowing I could have it another time took the sting out of not eating it. Also, when I do eat I try to slow down and really think about the flavor of something…..it is really hard to do. Good luck…. PS: you are such a great writer!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Those are good pointers! Thank you. You’re so right. We live in a world of plenty and there will likely never be a shortage of treats. I also try to focus on how they will truly make me feel as opposed to the small, fleeting pleasure derived from taste. I’m grateful for your words and that you stopped by!


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